A leaky roof does not a prison make - unless you privately own it. Pictures by Dreamstime.com

The 100 inmates living under this damp and mouldy disaster were swiftly and expensively relocated to more comfortable quarters, along with their hidden drugs and clandestine mobile phones. This had to be done, or they might have been able to claim compensation from us, their victims. No doubt their friends and relatives will receive generous grants to help pay for the extra distances they will be forced to travel, to visit the sad cases caught up in this appalling damp-dungeon catastrophe.

The State’s response to victims of bodged privately built houses has been lamentable, but its care and attention to imprisoned offenders has been nothing short of stellar.

Hawke’s Bay’s prison has a chequered history. Only a few years ago, the authorities embarked on a costly project designed to provide pre-release accommodation. It even included an attractive barbeque area.

We understand that certain inadequacies in the planning and construction process resulted in parts of the development area being torn up, and rebuilt in the right place. It is alleged that the original budget blew out massively. This was never reported to anyone (with the possible exception of the prison governor and the Minister responsible who, allegedly, kept it quiet) and the local newspaper was blissfully unaware of the goings-on, since it did not employ anyone resembling an investigative journalist.

Meanwhile, the partner of a Periodic Detention worker has complained that her partner’s chain gang is continually served with monotonous pies on their outings, and that these people deserve more healthy fare. PD workers are apparently not allowed to bring their own food, lest they feast on hash brownies or other substances that might make the day go better.

It is only humane that while criminals are serving their porridge, they should have access to the finest kai that our taxes can afford. And the basic human right to a dry cell cannot be contested.

A standard disgusting New Zealand Railway-style mince pie is not the best introduction to a new career as a budding Michelin chef, and it will not spur anyone to pursue a life beyond criminality. A three-course Cordon Bleu meal and a two-hour lunch break featuring our finest wines might entice them towards the opportunities available for those willing to study for a career in politics, catering or wine-making. They should at all times have the attention of a professional waiter or butler who can train miscreants in basic manners, etiquette, and the more profitable and finer points of serving the public, such as tips.

We need committed State involvement and some seriously large funds to deal with this gross neglect of prisoners’ rights to a dry bed and a healthy diet. Britain’s celeb cook Jamie Oliver could suggest the sensible eating options, and that f****** millionaire soccer star and caff owner Gordon Ramsay could provide the easy-to-cook guidance and harsh discipline.

It makes sense, and will cost a lot less than the average Treaty Settlement, at today’s going rate.

But it will still take a truly reforming genius to keep the lid on our damp, sweating and over-heated prison population.

The Maverick missile: Bang goes another small fortune that could have been spent on healthcare or education

It obliterated HMNZS Shipping Container, and its strategic cargo of a Mitre 10 Big Is Good patio heater (which had been cleverly loaded and ignited to provide the missile’s heat source, before the Commanding Officer ordered the crew to “Abandon Container!”). It is understood that the exercise was not shadowed by Chinese or Russian fleets and submarines, or Japanese whaling ships.

The unethical use of innocent Chinese-made domestic appliances for potentially aggressive military purposes should trigger questions from peace-loving folks such as members of the Green Party, who must launch an audit trail to track down the retailer of the offending patio heater.

The Sea Squirrel - in reality, a sitting duck

Lieutenant Commander Sam Greenhalgh reported that it was hard to spot the container initially, because the sea was rough, “but once we got closer and well within the weapon’s capability we had no problems.” What newspaper reports failed to mention is that the Maverick is an optically-tracked missile. The crew must visually track it to the target.

Naturally the attack force had no problem, because there was no one on the container to respond with an advanced container-to-squirrel missile that doesn’t depend on being able to see the attacking helicopter. The victory would also have been much more satisfying had the sea been flat as a mill-pond.

But “It’s proved our ability to perform a high-end output for the Government if it’s required,” said Commander Jason Haggitt. What’s “a high-end output”? we wonder. Perhaps it means “a very expensive firework.”

The real sea squirrel, probably endangered

But above all, this was a dreadful and unforgivable waste of a perfectly good patio heater.

The public should be told the name of the council wallah - sorry, wally - who thought that rummaging through litter bins for documents containing a name and contact details was a good use of staff time and the public’s money.

Meanwhile, the rest of us have one more reason to practice good personal security: shred or burn all documents containing names, addresses, and phone numbers, rather than discarding or recycling them.

Not that Kiwis are alone in being menaced by such bureaucratic fools.

Householders in Exeter, UK, are to be allowed to put the wrong kind of rubbish in their green recycling bins – but only if they pay a £10 ($25) levy every time. The local council took the “initiative” to tackle residents who continually include unsuitable items in their recycling.

Exeter City Council says its bins have contained unsuitable rubbish such as food, dog poo, nappies, dead animals and even drug paraphernalia. Really? How simply dreadful. No council worker should be asked to put up with that, surely?

Mike Trim, the city’s head of cleansing, said the approach “could set a precedent for other authorities”.

Hopefully not. Collectors from Crawley’s council refused to empty a pensioner’s green bin last month because it contained traces of soil. And West Wiltshire District Council refused to empty green bins unless they were light enough to be pulled using two fingers.

Ratepayers everywhere know how to use those two fingers properly.

Come here, big boy and get the chop

(Exceptions to the male hairdressing rule include State-supported Winston Peters, whose greying hair is always perfect, whose striped suits are always cut immaculately from the original double-breasted 19th Century design as sported by Prince Charles, and whose cuff-links are always being fiddled with. Girls, never trust a man who wears cuff-links.)

But we digress.

The length of locks chopped off is not related to the price charged, as Average Kiwi Bloke correctly calculated.

The trouble is that the people who run the barber shops also figured this out, and before too long, you will need a wheelbarrow of bucks to make yourselves decent after that half-yearly trip to the salon.

Are we sitting comfortably? Then let's begin

Kiwi jokers, on the other hand, are more interested in tractors, boats, motorcycles, cars and bonding with equally threatened men. They think that Tui ads are really awesome. They ask: Who needs good hair or teeth, when you’ve been deprived of those conversational skills that make gorgeous women drop dead? It’s a worrying question that keeps many of them wide awake, late at night, in a lonely bed.

Been on holiday lately? Do you want to?

Well, here’s a new approach, pioneered by a Polish hairdresser. First of all, the front of house reception appeals to your most basic instincts.

Then, it gets even better as you settle into the ergonomically designed chair. And then, she’s all yours. Or, perhaps, you are all hers.

Now, this approach seems to be satisfying all concerned and it has obvious implications for improving the general state of health of all New Zealand men. It could be applied across all surgeries and dental practices, although it might offer limited opportunities for opticians.

Another satisfied customer

It’s got to be worth a try. And perhaps it might lead to a few conversions.

Our world... it's being hijacked by the stupid and gullible

They could just as easily have chosen “The Age of Gullible” or “The Age of Politically Opportunist” as subtitles.

Sadly, as happened with the Al Gore movie, it’s an uncomfortable truth that the public imagination will be hijacked once again, and the belief in a so-called “scientific consensus” that we’re all doomed because of man-made (rather than person-made) global warming will be further reinforced.

Scientists are supposed to keep an eternally open mind - so, if they get new evidence, their theories must change accordingly. If we have a supposed “consensus” under which scientists’ minds are firmly made up, we can expect some very dangerously non-scientific behaviour from them and from those who would follow such a messianic and flawed pattern of thought.

Al Gore... as slippery as an Exxon-Mobil oil slick

Way back in the 1930s, Germany’s Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels said that if you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth; whether he did say that or not is academic, but it must be right because it has become accepted practice. The latest in the series of successful examples is the claim that “no-one said an Ice Age was imminent, back in the 1970s”.

Well, I was there, and I read the story in the British press in 1974 or 1975 – I don’t index every newspaper I read, so I can’t quote the source to satisfy the “1970s Ice Age deniers”, unfortunately. Of course, evidence changes, and so do scientific opinions. Who knows what the “consensus” will be in a few years from now?

And current claims of a “consensus” on so-called man-made global warming are far from the truth in any case: perhaps those who sincerely believe that only climate scientists’ opinions are worth listening to will listen to a voice of moderation in the form of “Meltdown, The Predictable Distortion of Global Warming by Scientists, Politicians and the Media”, by climatologist Patrick Michaels.

At any rate, we’re almost certainly between Ice Ages at the moment, regardless of whether the next one is 50 or 10,000 years away; so anything that happens in between times is little more than a blip.

Make the most of what you’ve got while you can, because in time it’s all going to change vastly more than the current doomsayers would have us believe – and we, or our descendants, might well be praying for some warming then.

Chichester Cathedral - somewhat phallic. Picture by Ian Britton, Freefoto.com

It suggests that town hall officers should use “general public” as a positive and less offensive alternative. Fortunately, Chichester is a long way from South London, or they would probably be threatening that other cherished term for public opinion, “the man on the Clapham omnibus” and seeking to change it to “the gender-neutral person on the Clapham unibus,” while seeking further public funds to investigate the sexual connotations of Clap as it relates to Ham.

The council’s dotty new guide also kills off the phrase “manning the switchboard” and suggests “staffing” or “running the switchboard” instead.

These suggestions have rightly been criticised as an example of repulsive political correctness. Tony Colpoys, down-to-earth chairman of Ebernoe parish council, West Sussex, said: “This kind of thing really gets my goat - it’s not as though anybody in their right mind would believe that the ‘man in the street’ referred solely to the male sex. It’s just stupid.

“I think political correctness is one of the most ghastly things about our society - it’s one of the most repulsive things ever invented.”

The council said that the document, which is distributed to all staff and council members, is not a rulebook but a guide to help staff and members find the “correct” words. A spokesman (sorry, spokesbeing) said: “We introduced the guide because, as community leaders, we must be aware of what modern society requires of the public sector. This includes the sensitivity of various individuals and groups, and current thinking in society in general.

“It is easy to make fun of individual phrases or words, but what we are seeking to do is to be more sensitive and responsive to the needs of others in our society.”

The seven-page guide offers other suggestions, including avoiding terms such as “old woman”, “old fool” and “old codger”, which, the council said, make old people seem fussy, stupid and dependent. It suggests simply using the phrase “old person” instead.

What an awful collection of totally PC prats those poor ratepayers have to suffer (and doubtless pay through the nose for) in Chichester. This is a town that has 2000 years of male-dominated history, from the Romans, through the Saxons and Normans, and any number of devout male Christians, as well as lending its name to lone round-the-world yachtsperson Francis Chichester (or was it Frances?).

The dumbed-down Dodo... cherished in Chichester

We wonder what the town hall’s half-blind dunderheads would prefer to call a “Grumpy Old Geezer”?

Maraenui, before and after the tremor. Picture by 31vick

As dawn broke, it became clear that the quake had severely shaken this quaint, forgotten but otherwise vibrant fragment of idyllic Napier, the cultural art deco heart of Hawke’s Bay. Early estimates put the insured cost of repairs to private homes as high as $29.99.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Waiouru War Museum, cherished honesty boxes, pre-loved public statues, secondhand bronze memorial plaques and numerous highly sought-after P pipes were scattered around, some damaged beyond repair. Three iconic areas of historic burnt-out cars were badly disturbed and will be relocated to a new heritage-focused village centre.

Earthquake Minister Michael Cullen, who lives nearby, helicoptered into the village and rubbed sensitive parts of his body against those of reluctant local leaders. Mike declared his Government’s commitment to rebuilding the community into an enduring example of ethnic art and a centre of exportable software excellence boasting economic transformation.

Meanwhile, pre- and post-quake trauma among the population was evident. Many locals described the shock of being woken up well before their weekly benefit money was due.

Radio WINZ-FM reported that hundreds of residents were wandering uncontrolled, confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maraenui that didn’t involve the police. One resident, a 15-year-old mother of three, said: “Yeah, no, I was still shaking when I was watching it on telly the next morning, eh?”

Local entrepreneurs vowed to carry on business as usual. And thriving, growth-driven enterprises involved in lootings, muggings, car crimes and welfare fraud pluckily carried on regardless. Although shoplifting had to be put on hold while damaged stocks could be replaced, industrious leaders expected brisk business to resume before long. A spokesman said that it was important not to let organised groups such as the police or paying customers gain a foothold in their patch.

By the weekend, the Red Cross had managed to ship 4000 cartons of Lion Red to the area but warned that this had done little to relieve the plight of stricken residents.

Tragically, rescue workers searching through the rubble found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, priceless jewellery from the Warehouse, bone carvings from the $2 Shop and significant quantities of pharmaceutical goods.

An appeal has been set up to seek essential supplies for victims.

The desperate need is for clothing. Aid workers said the most important items in short supply were:

* Baseball caps

* Hoodies

* Tracksuit tops (his or hers, X, XL, XXL or mini-tent-sized)

* White sport socks

* Trendy Nike running shoes, or white gumboots

Culturally appropriate food parcels are harder to assemble, but your efforts can make a big difference. Microwave meals, baked beans, chippies, ice cream, mince, fish and chips and cans of budget cola or Lift Plus are ideal, simple choices. Please do not give anything that needs peeling or cooking.

Remember:

* 45 cents buys a ballpoint pen for filling in welfare “top up” claims

* $4 buys enough chips, chicken nuggets and a blue fizzy drink to fatten a family of nine

* $10 will supply one packet of Rothmans and a lighter to calm a child’s shattered nerves.

Also urgently needed is tinned dog food or Wag-style rolls for starving pit bulls and grandparents.

When asked if they wanted the council to build a tip (supposedly to take the quake rubble), a spokesman replied that better housing was not an immediate priority.

Yesterday, Clark criticised Peters for his handling of the funding issue and his unorthodox treatment of the media. Today, she’s facing some extremely serious criticism for her apparent protection of a man so vital to her political legacy and obsessions.

The Emissions Trading Scheme is her flagship policy, and her abolition of the Serious Fraud Office depends on – in an almost unbelievably delightful irony – the support of a man who is now being investigated by it.

Enough’s enough.

Peters must be gone by lunchtime on Friday August 29, all talk of emissions trading schemes should be postponed to a time suitable for serious debate and careful consideration, and Clark should go swiftly to the country and face the verdict.

If the SFO gets the chop before an election, it must mean at least ten years in solitary for Labour, who will have proved conclusively that all along they took us for fools.

Justice delayed is justice denied. Justice dismissed is far worse

The claim, made during a panel discussion on RNZ National on August 26, was this:

A criminal trial, which had taken far too long to come to court and had cost taxpayers untold thousands of dollars, was drawing to a close. The jury, which had been out for around four hours, was recalled by the lady judge who declared that the trial had to end because it was taking too long for her busy schedule.

End of story? Not quite, because it is further alleged that the same judge was spotted on a ski-slope a day or so later, and she spent several more days holidaying on it.

Pure hearsay it may be, but it’s well worth investigating because - if true - it brings the law further into disrepute. On the same panel discussion, it was claimed that the time taken to bring serious cases to trial was around one year. That’s not true. Many cases take upwards of two years to reach the jury, thanks to a Dickensian, outdated and over-costly legal system that is clogged with a backlog of drug-related prosecutions.

Not that this in any way hinders the swift justice meted out to trifling cases of child-smacking or speeding.

We are able to bring you this scurrilous story thanks to blogging and the internet – a publicly available technology that has exercised the perhaps confused mind of another judge in recent days. He allowed the publication of two murder accused’s names in the media, but not on the internet, saying that irresponsible bloggers might in some way prejudice the accused by identifying them and adding their own comments.

This might in some cases be true, but the judge did not understand two fundamental problems about his decision.

The first is that the internet is global. His Honour might be able to haul into court anyone in New Zealand who deliberately published the names on the Net, or who encouraged someone overseas to do the same.

However, radio waves, TV bulletins and newspapers travel well beyond New Zealand and it is not beyond the bounds of possibility that the information could fall, unprompted, into the hands of a mischievous blogger far from our shores. His Honour would be powerless to do anything about publication in that case.

The second is that our unlearned judge assumes that all bloggers are ignorant of the law and are pure opinion-spouters. Many of them are, but many are journalists, some of whom have a good knowledge of the law, possibly gained long before the judge was potty-trained.

The jury’s still out on the skiing judge story but if the verdict’s guilty she will know that, in her case, it must be a slippery downhill slope from now on. The rest of the judiciary should remind themselves that their expertise and high remuneration oblige them to accept a responsibility to the law-abiding public and they must do their best to understand how the real world goes round. These days, no one (with the possible exception of Osama Bin Laden) can hide - even far up a snowy mountain.

Given the paltry sums offered in compensation to jurors (it now hardly covers their petrol costs to and from court), it is time to quadruple the daily allowance and introduce night sittings. That would be much more convenient for most workers, and it would go a long way to redressing the balance between rising crime and disgracefully delayed justice.

The Beehive - few workers, plenty of drones. Picture by Grahamp, Dreamstime.com. Front page pic by Chris Howey, Dreamstime.com

Her claimed reason for doing so is nothing short of baffling. Ms Wilson told Mr Hide, who had tried in vain to complete a question to the Prime Minister about the Whinebox Affair, that she had to uphold free speech and so he had to go.

This in spite of the fact that Hide had been constantly interrupted by her and Winston Peters, who mouthed his usual nonsense about “show me the evidence or apologise” as he sat with an inane grin on his face.

The real reason for Wilson keeping a lid firmly on Rodney Hide is crystal clear. Helen Clark could not push through her fatally-flawed Emissions Trading Scheme without the support of New Zealand First, even though the craven Greens have caved in on their principles and accepted what they know is a drastically watered-down version of their own wild proposals.

So the Speaker of the House, who is supposed to uphold some kind of standards, brought the place into complete disrepute, and once again we saw shabby politicians working against the public interest.

It was another triumph of ideology and downright in-your-face bias over fairness and commonsense.

But all may not be lost. Monaco millionaire Owen Glenn has told the Privileges Committee that he donated $100,000 to Winston Peters’ legal fees “at Peters’ request” in Sydney, and that in doing so, he was trying to assist the Labour Party (presumably by propping up Peters to ensure a properly cobbled coalition).

Peters’ response was that this was yet another person suffering from a bad memory. He claimed that Glenn’s account of events was not factual. Yet he has offered not a single fact in rebuttal of all the allegations against him. Ask yourself: is a faulty memory conducive to making millions out of property or shipping? Is it remotely possible that Bob Jones and Owen Glenn suddenly and simultaneously lost their marbles? Could it be that, while claiming lack of knowledge, Peters has suffered a severe attack of amnesia?

By the look of it, Clark’s in deep trouble and the eminently forgettable babbling baubler is toast.