Gog.org.nz

What the fox going on? Reynard is surprised by a cold snap in Britain

Over a pint, Rudolph complained: “Just how short can a human bean’s memory span be?” This mortal frailty has allowed all sorts of self-appointed experts to regularly recycle scares ranging from imminent ice ages or guaranteed incineration to warnings that cover virtually every aspect of nutrition, medicine, frocks and footwear. One minute, we’ll all fry, or we’ll die from eating too much salt; the next, we are advised to wrap up warm (avoid hypothermia) and drink lots of red wine (avoid a heart attack). The next, researchers say that red wine is lethal for your liver and we’re not eating enough iodised salt, and others say that global warming is on hold until 2015.

The Scare Industry has similarities to the fashion business, in that its mission is to keep a gullible populace in thrall to false prophets.

Wouldn’t it be good, Rudolph suggested, if someone could keep a database of all the things that politicians and “experts” say, so that we could have an instant reference point from which to spot all the back-tracking and U-turns they subsequently perform? A brilliant idea indeed, for which neither of us seemed eager to volunteer.

That’s because nobody would pay the slightest attention or money, and we would probably forget to keep the futile project up-to-date.

However, we do have some information with which to work on the idea that memories are short. Survivors of mad cow disease and swine flu scares, who also ignored warnings that eggs and unpasteurised cheese and meat containing fat shorten a happy life, are celebrating their heartbeat in 2010. They cast an increasingly jaundiced eye towards those who warn that getting out of bed might not be a good idea.

Polar bears are increasing in numbers, as are bipolar climate experts

There were international gasps when people saw satellite images of Great Britain, white from top to toe and gridlocked by ice and snow. This was the coldest snap since Eighteen Hundred and Frozen to Death, weathermen said. Well, actually, it was the worst since 1963, when the snow stayed until April but the Poor Man of Europe somehow plodded on. Today, Britain is so cash-strapped that it cannot afford the salt to keep its own roads clear (salt is expensive, as well as being a major health and rust hazard). The UK is a colder place these days, but this has little to do with the weather. The only other discernible difference between now and then is that, in 1963, there were no satellite cameras.

It cannot be long before some melanomaniac says that all the cloud and rain in New Zealand this “summer” has been good for the skin cancer death-count.

How we so easily forget that famines, hurricanes, quakes, pestilence and other natural perils have been around since we crawled on eight legs from the depths. It only takes a couple of months for total amnesia to set in. Back in November, New Zealand’s National Institute for Waffle and Astrology advised that the coming three months’ weather would be average.

http://www.gog.org.nz/2009/11/03/whither-the-weather-well-it’s-sort-of-averagely-in-between-windbags-say/

NIWA's holiday forecast, issued in November. Gypsy fortune tellers are cheaper and more reliable

What happened? The summer weather has been abominable, nothing has been average and hardly anyone remembers November – including NIWA, which has issued a feeble explanation for the actuality (while doubtless hoping that we will have forgotten the pathetic forecast).

These people belong to the group of fantasists who – because they have a weather satellite and apparently live on it – firmly believe that they can limit the increase in global temperatures to 2 deg Celsius. Gloria In Ex-Celsius Deo, they chant.

Somewhere on our planet, there is a gigantic clock depicting the countdown to Armageddon. It has no mechanism and is controlled by experts who have just moved the minute hand back from five to midnight to six minutes to oblivion, simply because they have received “encouraging news” from world leaders.

Tell that to the starving millions, who can’t afford a decent meal or an alarm clock.

The world is afflicted by an epidemic of academics. When it comes to forecasting the weather, you might as well rely on Bob Dylan.

Back in about 1963, he predicted: A hard rain’s a gonna fall.

Outside my window, it’s still hosing down.