Here’s an off-the-wall idea for builders and sheep farmers facing financial ruin.

Become an Artist instead. Under new Labour legislation, you could be set up for life.

It works like this:

If you’re a builder, take a pile of 4 by 2 offcuts, arrange them neatly on the floor, and call your creation “A Picture In Planks Of My Mother-in-law”. Ship it up to Auckland, and flog it off to the nearest pseudo-intellectual gallery owner.

If you’re a sheep farmer, first purchase a very large fish tank. Insert a dead sheep, fill with formaldehyde, and seal. Call it, say, “Mutton Dressed As My Mother-in-law”. Truck it up to Auckland and find the same twit who bought the other “Mother-in-law” piece.

Sit back and relax, confident that every time your work of art is sold on, you’ll get a 5 percent share of the proceeds. After all, it could end up in The Louvre, just like Whistler’s Mother. Way back, Whistler sold it for less than 100 quid, and now it’s worth millions.

The concept has endless possibilities. It could drag many a South Auckland layabout from the depths of poverty. All they have to do is find that credulous gallery owner, and flog him the unmade bed.

No prizes for guessing where this latest crazy notion came from. Flying in the face of commercial reality, where full ownership of goods (and the risk) passes to the purchaser (unless of course, it belongs to Microsoft), our arty-farty Prime Minister is most likely the guiding force.

The proposed law probably breaches the Human Rights Act, as well as the Sale of Goods Act, the Fair Trading Act and the Contractual Remedies Act, and it might easily be circumvented by genuine and sensible artists through a special sale agreement.

It is also grossly unfair, because – like the Electoral Finance Act, where nobody can agree on what is electioneering propaganda – it raises the eternal question: Is it Art?

Will this law apply only to pictures or sculptures? Can you offset your storage and insurance costs against the profits? What about pottery and wood-turned articles, many of which are truly works of art? If you auction your tea set or salad bowl, will the Art Police turn up for their cut? Someone once found a potato in a supermarket that was the spitting image of Ms Clark, and tried to auction it on Trade Me. Was it art?

Portrait of a Prime Minister (later exposed as a fake)
Portrait of a Prime Minister (later exposed as a fake)

What happens if your piece of culture makes a loss? Does the artist cough up, or will they get a State grant to protect them? Who will run this scheme? It will probably involve a brand new Government department, along with the levies to pay for it.

When it comes to speculating on art, Helen Clark of all people should know the risks. Picture the scene: you buy a painting signed by Helen Clark at auction, only to discover later that it’s a forgery!

Do you pursue the unknown artist who actually created the scrawl? Or do you turn up at the Beehive with your hand held out?